Bill Clinton feels your pain, Landon Donovan. And shares your joy. And a grateful nation weeps with gratitude, and then goes back to watching re-runs of “Last Comic Standing.”
But hey, it was pretty awesome that one time when those guys whose names I can’t remember beat that one country I forget who in that soccer cup thing and I think we won it, at least that’s what my neighbor Bob said, and he’s totally into that sport and has, like, pictures of Ronald Dino and United Manchester all over his garage. I think. To be honest, Bob kind of weirds me out a little. A 40-year-old man just should not be that into Pokemon. And he’s always inviting me over to lift weights in his basement gym. Jesus. What happened to his wife? I think he used to be married… what happened to her? And he drives a Saab. Or a Volvo. Something…Dutch.
Mmmm. So, where was I? Oh yeah: USA! USA! USA! Crush the puny opposition who is not from the USA!