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Posts Tagged ‘poop jokes’

This Is What Happens When You Turn The Heat Up

August 24, 2010 Leave a comment

It’s hot, real hot, and I’ve been trying to think of something to write about for hours, and all I can make my brain do is: “Everyone poops, so I think I should become a plumber! YOU’LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN.”

Now I just need to go select the proper wrench…

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Things Abe Lincoln Probably Never Said For 100, Alex…

So I’m back from a quick trip to the desert, which is where you do recreatin’, and I’ve picked up some kind of flu virus, probably cattle-borne and likely fatal, but you never know. My stomach hurts and I’m sleepy. Also: sore throat.

The main thing is that I flip the TV on right before I close my eyes and take another nap, and in some background part of my brain I can hear Bonnie Hunt going on about some kind of emotionally distraught Bonnie Hunt stuff, and survivors, and the bible, and. Drift forward.¬†You’re stuck in baby-mama mid-afternoon TV hell and you’re not getting out of it, because the remote is an inch further away from you than your arm can reach.

So. Some kind of commercial for Huggie’s “Designer Diapers” comes on, and then this happens:

When it is a Number Two
I look like Number One
I poop in blue

This will live with you forever, you think, daring yourself to fall back asleep.

Outside, the postman continues to make his lonely rounds, but not for you.

Blowing Up Glasto With Mark E. Smith

The Fall’s President-For-Life and Unofficial England World Cup Mascot, Mark E. Smith, joined fictional comic supergroup Gorillaz for their headlining set at the UK’s gargantuan Glastonbury Festival Friday night, along with a host of other notables, including Lou Reed, Snoop Dogg and Happy Mondays’ Shaun Ryder.

Gorillaz were a late replacement for original headliners U2, who were forced to pull out of the festival after lead singer Bono injured his back taking the world’s largest dump.

“Mark E. Smith, looking more and more like an evil baby with every passing day, grimaced and glowered through ‘Plastic Beach’s ‘Glitter Freeze,'” opined Spinner.com, while the always cranky Guardian shouted that Smif and Ryder were “seemingly beneficiaries of a Make-a-Wish foundation for raddled northern indie icons.”

No one in the entire world thought to take a picture or record a video of the spectacle, so you can watch MES reading football scores on the BBC instead, below.

UPDATE: Video located. Look up! Look up!

Read more…

Categories: Music Tags: ,

This Is When The Screaming Starts

June 23, 2010 2 comments

Categories: Everything Else Tags: ,