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Damn, Your Cream Cheese Just Got Bested By This Other Kind Of Cream Cheese, Dawg…

OH MY GOD THIS RALEY’S STORE BRAND WHIPPED STYLE CREAM CHEESE IS DELICIOUS! YOU MIGHT NOT THINK IT WOULD BE TRUE BUT IT IS BETTER THAN PHILLY, IT IS BETTER THAN TRADER JOE’S BRAND, IT IS THE BEST, AND IT COSTS CHEAPER! THAT IS INSANE!

IT’S LIGHT AND FLUFFY AND SPREADS EASILY ON YOUR BAGEL OR WHAT HAVE YOU, TOAST, ANY KIND OF BREAD YOU WOULD ENJOY WITH BREAKFAST. YO, RALEY’S WHIPPED STYLE CREAM CHEESE, YOU THE BOMB, DAWG!

ONE DAY I WAS FINDING MYSELF WITH JAY-Z IN A DELIGHTFUL CAFE ON THE WEST SIDE OF NEW YORK — HOLLA BACK JAY-Z, YOU THE MAN NOW DAWG — AND HE GOES “THE SPREAD ON TOP OF THESE BAGELS LACKS A CERTAIN KIND OF FLAIR,” AND I WAS ALL LIKE WHAT U HIGH ON MAN, WHAT FLAIR WHERE IS THAT, AND HE POINTS AND GOES “BAGELS, THIS BAGEL IS NOT QUALITY, I WOULD DO IT UP LIKE THIS” AND THEN HE PULLS OUT A TUB OF RALEY’S WHIPPED STYLE, HE GOT IT IN CALIFORNIA ONCE AND NOW HAS HIS BOY SEND HIM OUT A SHIPMENT ON ICE EVERY THURSDAY, BECAUSE IF YOU KNOW ONE THING ABOUT JAY-Z IT IS THAT HE GOES THROUGH A LOT OF CREAM CHEESE, DAMN MY BOY BE EATING A LOT OF CREAM CHEESE. AND THIS ONE IS THE BEST, HE SAID, AND HE RECITED INGREDIENTS OFF THE TOP OF HIS HEAD, THEY JUST FLOW…

PASTEURIZED MILK AND CREAM, CHEESE CULTURE, SALT, STABILIZERS (WHICH MAY INCLUDE CAROB BEAN AND/OR XANTHAN AND/OR GUAR GUMS), NATAMYCIN (WHICH IS A NATURAL MOLD INHIBITOR IN CASE YOU AIN’T HEARD)
SO HE GIVE ME SOME OF HIS STASH AND WE BEEN TIGHT EVER SINCE. I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT 2 TABLESPOONS EQUALS ONLY 70 DELICIOUS CALORIES, AND AIN’T GOT NO TRANS FATS.

HAHA, NO SERIOUSLY YO, WHY LOOKIN’ AT ME LIKE THAT, CHECK OUT THESE DOPE BEATS. NOW LOOK, WHY IT GOTTA BE SURPRISING TO ANYONE THAT I AM A MAN THAT ENJOYS SPREADING SPREADABLE CHEESE ON TOASTED BREAD? ‘CAUSE ANYONE COULD PLAINLY SEE IF THEY LISTENED TO MY RECORDS CORRECTLY.

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