Logically, I must be holding a piece of red-and-white striped candy in the shape of an old Earth walking device known as a “cane.”
Therefore, Captain, I can only surmise that Christmas is coming. And soon-like.
Look what my friends Zoe and Assaf got me.
There are two things you need to know about this. 1) Zoe and Assaf rock. And 2) That is not me in the photo up there. I would never wear a bowtie like that.
It’s just a hand when it’s all zipped up. You don’t want to wear it all zipped up: you’d just be a guy with a big white hand on his hoodie. That’s so dumb!
No. You want to wear it when it’s 65 degrees and you feel like you could be getting chilly but also you don’t wanna melt. You zip it down to a point just above the sternum, yo. At that point you begin to throw off Spock gang signs like crazy mad.
Just automatic-like. Representing the Spock.
Sore throat, packing, sore throat, packing, cough drops (the mediciney kind, makes your throat numb for a whole hour), packing, driving, random ear/sinus pain, sore throat, driving, getting lost, earhurt, tent building activities, food, beer, talk, beer, talk, SORE THROAT, go to sleep.
Wake on two hours sleep, sniffle, cough, coffee, eat cereal, blow nose, walk around, drain sinuses, eat lunch, beer, wash dishes, stuff kleenex up nose, nap, more stuff up nose, try to breathe, nap, wake up not breathing, nap, drain, replace kleenex, find iPod, DJ for naked people, dinner, whisky, change clothes, blow nose, sniffle, cough, take Ambien, sleep. But not before Ambien Walrus visits and makes a few suggestions, like “you should get in your car and drive around!” Ignore Ambien Walrus, sleep.
Sleep fitfully for 12 hours, wake up way past noon, miss breakfast, forget to drink coffee, try to get up, curse the sunlight, lay on table, groan, move to lawn, groan, go back to tent, sleep, groan, cough, shiver, fever, take ibuprofen, cough, shiver, blanket, sleep, get up before darktime, stare at food, groan, find out you’ve had another shift added to DJ list: “11PM – ???”; consider career as jedi and/or Ambien Walrus, complain to no one in particular, beer, chocolate, improbable comeback, mood improving, fever gone, (there may or may not have been dancing at this point), spin superhits of the Super 70s, “naked guy from hot tub thanks you for the Golden Earring,” thank them for their support by playing Mark E. Smith shouting over German techno, beer, talk, chocolate, klowns, talk, whisky, sleep.
Drive home. Sleep. Think about how much fun it is camping with friends.
Thanks to Reddit, I now know that a corollary exists: The Unified Antonio “Huggy Bear” Vargas “THE DIFFICULTY IN THE OCCUPATION OF PIMPIN’ IS EXPONENTIALLY MORE COMPLEX THAN FIRST BELIEVED” Theorem.
I will now go search nearby fields for shiny objects, with which to trade them for a stack of bibles, or perhaps some mead.
That’s not just a little bit of tractors. Where do they get them all?
Your tractors. Please let me drive them.