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Focus On David Eckstein

I found the brochure above when I was cleaning out my car before I had the guy come and tow it away so they could put a new battery in, make the tires shiny, and auction it off to a recent immigrant at 2-3 three times its actual value (not to my benefit, of course — I was just tired of the parking tickets) and I remember thinking, “Hey, I was in Colorado this one time and I thought this was funny so I grabbed it! Maybe I’ll save it for the day I have an all-in-one printer and a blog and a lack of material!”

Well, today’s that day.

But I can’t just let the irony stand on its own. Because I have questions, and they are, in roughly this order:

1. Why are Velma and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo in this scene? And where did Wilford Brimley come from?

2. Even if one chooses to believe that these are completely original characters not based on cartoon shows from your childhood, I don’t understand how they all fit together:

2a. WHOSE family? WHAT KIND of fun? I don’t like where this is going. Can you see where this is going?

3. Cats Are Not Purple.

4. Why are the little boy and the dog leering at each other? Why does the hippie wear his glasses over his hair? Who matches two shades of teal like that?

5. I am pretty sure Professor Salty’s eyes are fixated on the redhead’s rack, or what there is of it. Draw an arrow; see for yourself.

6. How are these people related? (see 2 and 2a). Why are cats? Who is up? What happens to when?

Focus on the Family, by the way, is that wonderful group that complains to the media every time something un-Christian-like happens in the world. Like right now they’re real mad at Brad and Angelina, because they dress up their 4-year-old girl like a tomboy.

“I was shocked,” the group’s spokesman, Glenn Stanton, told US Magazine. “I thought ‘What in the world are these parents thinking?’ It’s very possible they are living in a fantasy world, where gender is only an appearance. If so, it’s a very anemic view of what gender really is.”

I will repeat: CATS ARE NEVER PURPLE, Glenn Stanton.

Elsewhere, Ken Tremendous has returned to the world of crappy-sports-scribe-mocking-blogdom, at least for a minute or two. You can thank Daulerio, I guess.

  1. September 22, 2010 at 22:36

    I also would like to know:

    7. Why is Shaggy wearing Velma’s glasses at all?

    8. What’s wrong with that dog’s tongue? Why is it so long that it can’t be contained within the frame of the photo? Why is it positioned at a 90 degree angle to the back of his throat?

    9. Every family has more fun when their cat has a tent at its disposal. Why isn’t that cat drawn inside a tent?

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