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This Is How It Makes You Feel

There are at least a couple of ways a clever reader can always suss that Yahoo! News is experiencing a slow news day. Firstly, there will be a picture of a pirate on the Yahoo! front page.

Second, and more telling, there will be a story about maple syrup fifth from the top of the headlines list and completely outside of the putative and dread “feature hole.”

And not just about maple syrup, but an entire maple syrup controversy.

‘A new Log Cabin syrup touted as “all natural” looks a lot like the pure, 100 percent maple product that’s the pride of Vermont, right down to its packaging in a plastic beige jug,’ fumed the AP writer credited with bringing this outrage before the American syrup-buying public (I can only assume she was fuming: it’s a very long story and contains words like “misleading,” disturbing” and “fool”)

‘But Vermont officials, seeking to protect the state’s signature commodity, contend that Log Cabin All Natural Syrup is not what it seems, enticing consumers into dousing their pancakes with ingredients that include caramel color, xanthan gum — a natural thickener — and a paltry 4 percent maple.’

ONLY FOUR PERCENT MAPLE?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????!!!!!!!111

The rest of the article — the link is up there next to some words that sound like “maple” and “syrup” — goes on to describe the various property damages and death tolls from around the world when people discovered that Log Fucking Cabin had been lying to them, and also includes a lot of quotes from Maple Syrup Enthusiasts and also random people from Vermont, along with a few statistics. Canada becomes involved at one point, briefly, and then apologizes.

I got stuck on this line, though: ‘The FDA said it does not have a definition for “natural.”‘

(cue Montgomery Burns Moment.)

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go invent All Natural Flubber.

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