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Stop Me Before I Sing Again

Hey loud neighbor! Howdy! We haven’t met, but let me introduce myself! I’m the guy who lives near you and is quiet; you wouldn’t know about me because I’ve spent all my time in awareness of your presence on this planet listening to you sing VERY EARNEST FOLK SONGS to a group of people in your apartment in a VERY LOUD VOICE for what seems to have been HOURS.

A critique, you say? No, I’m just complaining about the hollering. OK, your singing is quite bad, but that’s not my main problem with it. It’s the fact that it’s 1) very loud and 2) quite earnest that bothers me more, frankly. Because I suspect that you may have been attempting to get laid with that voice, and further, there’s an outside chance that such an encounter might produce offspring, and there are some things we simply can’t allow, Mr. Geronimo Jackson Browne.

A Eugenicist? Shiver me timbers, no. We do have standards, however. Do it the old-fashioned way, man. Put on a Barry White album like the rest of the civilized world.

What? You say you’re under 30? OK… does R. Kelly still do it for the ladies? Try that. Or if she’s the sensitive type, I hear Conor Oberst works wonders. Scientists still aren’t sure why, but it does seem to work. Sort of like how you can trap snails with cheap beer, I think.

Also you could try: polka music. Trust me, if she’s German or a Latina, you’re totally getting lucky tonight. Just not Weird Al. That does not go over well.

Categories: Music
  1. Robyn
    August 19, 2010 at 11:09

    How have I missed this horrible singing?

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