Home > Music > Free Beer as in Free Beer

Free Beer as in Free Beer

The only thing that bothers me…why do so many girls go to rock concerts and outdoor music festivals and then spend the entire time they’re there typing on their Blackberrys and iPhones? Isn’t there a concert or something going on?

And when I say girls, I don’t mean all of them, just a certain type of female type. You can close your eyes and probably see her. Long nails. Dark eyeliner. Scuzzy looking short skirt with expensive designer fake dirt patches. “Fashion boots”. Did your boyfriend make you come here? Because you are totally not interested in Cat Power. Seriously, shut up. Why even come? Give the ticket to somebody who won’t look like everything fucking bores them to tears.

Also you, guy wearing vintage 1994 John Starks jersey and sunglasses upside down on the back of your head, there is no possible way you came here to listen to My Morning Jacket. I want you to find one (1) of above ladies and have sex with her immediately, somewhere outside this venue. Where I cannot know about it. I command it!

And you, my friend, the one with the Justin Bieber haircut and the striped long-sleeved shirt, who weaved past me like a drunken sailor, spilling half the beer you were holding on your shirt, which had already been spilled on quite a bit, and then eventually you just spilled out the remaining half on purpose, because you realized you could not carry it, before heading thataway into mass crowd scene, looking for all the world like Custer’s Last Stand, or at least the 3 AM Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s that followed it, you, you I cannot help. You are beyond the scope of this assessment. I wish you luck, and an excellent dry cleaner.

And hipster d00d with the thrift store “rap” hoodie with machine gun print, the red vinyl disco pants, the gold lame $ sign hat and the Hello Kitty backpack? On behalf of the entire rest of the world, I apologize for stealing your lunch money repeatedly. It was an honest mistake. (when I was in junior high school, btw, I had my lunch money stolen all the time. Because I was a dink! There was a huge lunch-money-robbing ring in our school, and all of us dinks would walk solemnly through the front gates and fork over the lousy $1.40 in our pockets, and you know where that money went? To buy pencils. Because the other popular thing in that school apart from stealing lunch money from losers like me was: pencil fights. I believe I personally funded an entire season of Pencil Fight, and probably the playoffs and Super Bowl as well.)

(The first rule of Pencil Fight is you do not talk about Pencil Fight.)

(Oh yeah, also back there in Parentheses Land, we were going to point out that at least we didn’t pair red vinyl disco pants with a child’s backpack. I will cop to the white Member’s Only jacket, but it was a gift from my aunt, who did all her Xmas shopping via satellite television.)

Next time : we talk about hippies.

Categories: Music Tags: , ,
  1. August 15, 2010 at 09:02

    Great post thanks.

  2. August 15, 2010 at 15:49

    ı hate beer >:()

  3. August 16, 2010 at 07:40

    Unfortunately, I go to art school so I come into contact with just about every personality type you just described here haha
    Great post though, seriously

    – Calhoun


  4. CB
    August 16, 2010 at 09:16

    I go to plenty of shows where the guys are as guilty as the girls you describe when it comes to ignoring the action. I mean, just leave it out with the crappy cell phone video and photos. We all know you are there, we can see you. Just shut up and listen.

  1. August 16, 2010 at 12:43

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