Home > Everything Else > My Spectacles, Let Me Tell You About Them

My Spectacles, Let Me Tell You About Them

Please step into my parlor of bewitching and elegant eyeglass frames. My optician’s salon, as it were. That smell?  That is just the smell of enchantment, my good man.

Did I mention that my new eyeglasses are made out of Titanium? Because they totally are. You could send my new eyeglasses into outer SPACE, man.  Into ORBIT. They would be all like, “I’m made out of TITANIUM, man!”

Yes, they are called “Derrick,” and they are made by a shirt company renowned for ads that feature a guy wearing an eye patch who isn’t even a pirate. And “made” is too strong of a word. Like all eyeglasses from The Future, my Assisted Looking Devices are almost certainly made by one of the two Italian supergiant optical companies which now dominate the market of anyone looking to place seeing orbs over their faceparts.

How did this happen? How did we allow our eyestalks province to come dominated by Italian men in white suits? Why weren’t we paying attention when this happened? Maybe Splicer can sort all of this out.

Anyway, titanium Italian spectacles, etc. Does Not Make You Look Like Bono. Check.

I had the last pair for a while. A really long while. I’ve just been telling people “too long,” which I will grudgingly expand into “more than ten years” when pressed, and that becomes the full version — I bought my last pair of glasses more than 16 years ago — only when under extreme duress, like when I am writing a blog.

Sixteen years is too long for anything, especially wearing the same piece of metal on your face, and my eyes are still struggling to make the change — everything still looks sort of fisheyed and distorted, although crystal sharp and rugged cool in a Van Heusen non-piratey pirate kinda way. Can you imagine wearing the same pair of pants for 16 years? No, no you cannot. Your legs would not allow it. Your legs would refuse to follow you, even after five of those years. Sixteen is unthinkable. Madness! So I am allowing my eyes (I attribute the power of independent thought and emotion — even peevishness — to my individual physical components, just like everybody) some time to complain and adjust.

When my old specs were made, they only used titanium on airplanes and Tour De France bikes.  Probably not even the latter. I could look it up, but I think I’ll just conjecture wildly: titanium was the rarest, most expensive element in the history of man, right up until March 23, 1994, when my last pair of eyeglasses were produced in an iron stamping mill in Pittsburgh, PA. Immediately afterward titanium became cheap and plentiful due to an accident involving Flubber and Jolt Cola, and all eyeglass production was immediately switched to this wondrous new material.

Also the lenses themselves got better. I feel like I’m wearing air on my head. Fluffy, metal-scented air.

And the nose bridge things! Let me tell you about the nose bridge things!

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