Home > Everything Else > Whereup I Get Excited About a Certain Kind of Suit

Whereup I Get Excited About a Certain Kind of Suit

(Retro Disco Flashback: A thing I wrote in 2006 that I still kinda like right now. Also, you simply can’t get enough George Foreman into your life.)

So I have to do this wedding thing this coming up weekend. I am the celebrant. YAY. WATCH ME CELEBRATE! And I need to buy a suit for this, because it turns out that you’re not allowed to wear a kick-boxing get-up. And I don’t own any suits, because: don’t need them. So I’ve been looking around various places for suits, wondering if I can get away with the $99 special from JC Penney, or if I should set my sights a bit higher, simply because people will be looking at me during this thing, and I hate that, but if I have the right suit, maybe it will cast its own sort of spectral light on the Bootsy Collins tip and mesmerize the audience into submission.

And I found a few nice things, but none of them so nice that I particularly want to spend $300 on them.

And then I found It. At Sears, apparently, you can buy a George Foreman Suit. You can buy a George Foreman Grill, too, tuck it under your arm, and then walk into another department and buy a George Foreman Suit. And they will sell it to you; you give them money for it, and then you can walk right out of the store with it. And there are apparently NO STRINGS ATTACHED, they let you get away with this! They encourage it: it’s right there in their catalog!

So I was telling Robyn about this, and I got kind of excited, of course.

“It’s a George Foreman Suit!”

“OK.”

“You don’t understand: IT’S A GEORGE FOREMAN SUIT.”

“Yes. I do.”

“Let me attempt to explain this some other way, using different types of words…”

And on it went, and she was right, because no human should get excited about things like this. But I know a bargain at any price when I see one, and I went about my day undeterred, thinking about maybe I could buy all the George Foreman things and one day I could have six children, and name them all George, and I would call out “George!” and George would come, and he would be the CORRECT GEORGE. And I would be wearing the George Foreman Suit when I called my children all named George to me, and my life would be magnificent.

But then I went back to the site and looked some more at the whole concept of George, and I found out that, while I can buy a George Foreman Coat that will fit me fine and proper, the smallest matching George Foreman Pants that they sell come only in waists that are at least six inches too large for me.

And I felt my world crash beneath me.

No man is George Foreman, and you cannot have his suit.

Does anyone know where I can buy an Ernest Borgnine Suit?

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Categories: Everything Else
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